Christmas should be a magical, exciting time of year for children. However, when their parents are going through a separation or have separated, it can also be a very stressful, difficult time, full of uncertainty, feelings of sadness and having to find their way through a difficult situation.
If you are separated, or thinking about separating, it’s really important that you try and see the Festive period from your child’s perspective.
Where possible, try and agree with your former partner, how you are going to share Christmas. If you cannot agree, it’s really a good idea to take some steps now, to see if agreement can be reached, whether that’s by trying to calmly discuss the arrangements, or look to mediation, to explore the issues there. If that is not possible, maybe think about using a parenting App such as Our Family Wizard, as many of them have calendars and suggestions that would help you both sort out the arrangements.
Here are some top tips though, for helping you, and your children through this period.
1. Focus on what is best for the children.
It’s true that parents may have different views on arrangements for the children, but the priority should be the children’s wellbeing. If possible, it is really important to promote a positive experience for them between their two homes, or parents.
2. Try to be respectful about the other parent.
Respectful communication with the other parent is really helpful. Any discussions about the arrangements should not be had in front of the children. Also, avoid sharing, or involving the children in arrangements until they are agreed.
3. Try to respect the other parent’s (or Family’s) Christmas traditions and, if possible, try to co-ordinate gifts and festive activities in the run up to Christmas, to ensure variety and to avoid duplication.
4. Be organised and think ahead.
If you can, try to work together to make plans for the Christmas period. The sooner you can discuss plans with each other the better. If there is disagreement, the sooner this can be explored, the more likely you are of sorting this out. This is particularly so if you are hoping to take the children abroad, or out of the area, over the festive period.
5. Be ready to compromise. Just because it works for someone else, or you have read about it online, doesn’t mean an arrangement will work for your family, in your circumstances. However, some families prefer to alternate Christmas Day each year, while others split the day. There is no right or wrong answer. Remember, it will be virtually impossible to reach any form of agreement without a degree of compromise from both of you.
6. Where there are nursery or school events.
Try to agree in advance how you will attend, to avoid hostility or potential conflict. If possible, try to attend together. If that is not possible, plan the event so that any issues can be avoided, and everyone can enjoy the event.
7. Keep to the agreement
It might be easy to become involved in the Christmas celebrations, but keep to the agreement you have reached. Try to be on time when you hand the children over to the other parent and to remain positive for their benefit.
If parents cannot agree on the arrangements for Christmas, they should consider discussing the issues with a family mediator or lawyer. The team at BH&O would be happy to help!
Ruth Hawkins, Partner
