This week it’s been Mental Health Awareness Week, which has prompted me to think back on my 26 years practicing as a family solicitor, and to think about how those cases might have had better outcomes for those children and young people.
For most of that time, I’ve been a specialist children lawyer, often acting for children in the most complex cases in public (child protection) law cases or the most complex, serious, private law disputes. I’ve acted for children, or parents or family members in everything from disputes over where the children will live, contact, and taking them abroad, to the most serious child protection cases. I am very often appointed by the court to act for children in those disputes between their parents or family members, which gives a different perspective.
In those most serious cases, it goes without saying, that what I’m about to say will not apply. But in the vast majority of cases, so much of the damage to those children that can be caused by protracted, stressful, lengthy, court proceedings, can be avoided. The old fashioned attitude, often portrayed in film and television, of splitting up and getting a Rottweiler lawyer to fight your corner, and take your ex to court, can cause damage. Not just to your children, but to your pockets, and to your own mental health. Yes, sometimes it’s absolutely necessary to go to court, but a good lawyer, will help you to understand the options and alternatives, and to help you make informed decisions about what the right options are for you, your children, and your circumstances.
In those most common cases, without any child protection issues, where parents have separated, and can’t agree on arrangements, my strongest advice, is to try harder to reach agreement. I don’t say that in any judgemental, trite, way. I say that because court really is not the right forum for these sorts of disputes. It’s expensive, littered with delays, and breeds too much acrimony. Plus, as a child protection lawyer, I would say those cases need the court to be focused on them, and that cases that are capable of being resolved elsewhere, should be.
But also, those protracted cases, not only cost too much in monetary terms, but also cost the parents, other parties, but also often the children so much in terms of damage to mental health. The child who doesn’t see a parent for a lengthy time, misses out on vital attachment to that parent. Stress of proceedings, is not good for anyone’s mental health.
So, when you separate from your children’s other parent, please don’t rush into a situation you might find it hard to come back from. Please think about the other ways of sorting out arrangements. In almost all cases, at least at the start, not everyone will be happy. You will be going from a situation where you’ve both been caring for your children together in the same household, to one where you’re caring for your children separately in different circumstances; where you’ve fallen out with the other parent; you’re hurt, angry, distressed, confused, and feeling all sorts of emotions. But please just try and avoid the pitfalls of rushing straight into a corner you might find it very difficult to come out from. Please try and think ahead, and always try and see things from your children’s perspective.
With the recent changes in Non Court Dispute Resolution Rules, a good lawyer will encourage you to look at alternative ways of resolving your arrangements. These will include family mediation, arbitration, collaborative practice, and solicitor negotiation.
After nearly 27 years doing this work, I can safely say, that in the vast majority of disputes over child arrangements, any of those approaches are likely to cost you less, be quicker, and to assist you in finding a better solution for your family, to enable you to co-parent into the future. And all of that is likely to have a much better outcome for your mental health, and also your children’s.
Ruth Hawkins, Partner
Relevant articles about Child Arrangements, Mediation