“To have and to hold from this day forward; for better for worse, for richer, for poorer”.
One may think this is an unusual question to ask a divorce solicitor, but I disagree. Having over 26 years’ experience, helping clients navigate through the difficult process of separation and divorce, and being on the sidelines of seeing client’s processing the when’s, the why’s and the how’s as to how love and a perfect relationship has disintegrated, gives you an insight and understanding as to how a marriage fails or survives.
As well as a divorce solicitor, I have also been married for almost 27 years, and so I am happy to share a few tips, but before I do, it is important to be realistic. No marriage, friendship or partnership is perfect, but it is how we embrace love and friendship at the same time as committing to unwavering trust, mutual respect, resilience and compromise that serves to create a solid happy relationship.
One thing is for certain, marriage will have its highs when everything is perfect, and they can be very high and that is fantastic, but it will inevitably have its lows, and they can be very low. Every marriage is affected by the usual celebrations, from success at work, lovely holidays, quite often the arrival of children, to simple family time with laughs and lovely memories being made. Alongside which we all experience the strains of day to day life, from pressure of work, financial worries, illness and bereavement. The important thing is how to celebrate and support each other through the high mountain tops and the deep valleys of marriage, and to remember that both landscapes can have their beautiful moments in a relationship, however difficult they will be.
1: Working as a team
A marriage is a partnership and requires team work. There will be stormy waters along the way, and when that happens pulling together, like rowers in a “rowing boat”, will enable you to get through it better than trying to do it alone. Two is better than one, which leads me to:
2: Trust
Without trust, it is difficult for any relationship to survive. Trust is not a given but is a product of a relationship whereby you have created a safe space where you can each be honest and true to yourselves. Essentially trust is one of the main building blocks for a successful and resilient relationship.
3: Communication – listen and talk
Be open and transparent with each other; share concerns and worries as well as celebrating exciting achievements. Remember the past, discuss the present and plan for the future, openly and honestly.
4: “Sunday lunch”
Take time as a couple (and if you have children as a family) to eat together – it doesn’t have to be Sunday lunch (but that is my favourite). This is a great time to talk, reflect on the week just gone, plan the week ahead, discuss ambitions and explore dreams. It is also a time to talk about what isn’t going so well, frustrations and worries.
5: Respect each other
In every relationship respect is key. Everyone needs their own space and be able to explore their own goals, ambitions, and hobbies. Value each other’s opinion – they don’t have to be the same, but it is important to have shared values, and for you both to be able to make compromises.
6: Share the responsibility
It is important that in every relationship you share the day to day roles from the cooking and cleaning and putting the recycling out, to admin and booking trips and holidays, and managing the finances and where there are children, the responsibilities for their lives. We all juggle busy working and family lives, and there is no perfect formula as to how chores should be shared, but be mindful that it is fair and fits with your family’s needs and lifestyle.
7: Be kind to each other and to yourself.
February is often coined the “Month of Love” with Valentines Day being celebrated on the 14th February. Whilst it is lovely to celebrate, it does not have to be grand gestures, with overpriced flowers and champagne, and an expensive restaurant menu. What is more important is that there are small regular gestures, as simple as a cup of tea in bed, an impromptu cuddle, and maintaining intimacy. In a time whereby the “cost of living crisis” is affecting more and more families, it isn’t possible for many couples to enjoy eating out, or weekends away or longer holiday’s. But there are ways to connect without costing lots of money, for example taking time to watch your favourite tv show together, or go for a walk on a Sunday afternoon which can be done on a regular basis. Being kind to yourself is also important, make sure you look at your work life balance, have that lie in, and keep in contact with your own friends.
8: Conflict
When there is conflict, and at whatever level, take time out to resolve it, it is a cliché but don’t go to bed or part on an argument – if it can be resolved easily. Sometimes however there needs to be time out, but focus on the problems and agree to talk as soon as possible so that the niggles don’t escalate – the worries don’t eat into trust and the isolation between each other doesn’t create a barrier. Accept that we are all different, and embrace difference rather than necessarily trying to change that person.
In conclusion, there is no perfect formula, and there will be happy and sad times, exciting choices and tough decisions along with celebrations and times of sadness. Support each other throughout, accept we are all different, always talk, laugh and cry, nurture and commit to family life.
However, not every marriage will be successful, not every relationship can work. Marriage as is every relationship is complex, and people do change. If that is the case it is important to remember that a marriage that has reached its natural end should not be termed as a failure, but reaching the end of a chapter in your life. It is also important to recognise that if you have been or are being subject to any form of abuse whether that be physical, emotional or financial, it is important to recognise that this is not normal or right and you should seek help and advice.
Helen Bishop, Head of BH&O Legal Matrimonial Team